Forget Champagne on Valentine’s Day

Warning to the faint of heart: you’re about to meet Bloody Mary’s younger, hotter cousin. This is the Bloody Mary that will get your lover’s attention. Or get you that second date. Or just get your private parts the adoration they’ve been craving.

Sure, it’s even better with a lot of vodka in it, but the real value is that it’s a steaming smorgasbord of carnal pleasures. You’ve got the basics on the list: tomatoes, pepper, umami, and garlic. That’s your grandma’s Bloody Mary. We’re going to take that, put some gold lame’ stilettos on it, and teach it to twirl around a pole. Let me show you what I mean.

Garlic: Greeks and Egyptians discovered garlic’s aphrodisiac properties thousands of years ago. Modern research has proven that eating garlic improves the circulation, which enhances both sexual enjoyment and performance. Tibetan monks were forbidden to enter the temple if they had been eating garlic because it made them more likely to think about monkey business than monk business. No wonder it’s classified as a “hot” herb!

Chili peppers:  These phallic little beauties are known to stimulate endorphins, which are chemicals released by the brain that give you a natural rush, like the feeling you get when you’re really crushing on someone. In sufficient quantities, they also raise your pulse rate and make you sweat. Any liquid hot sauce containing capsaicin, the essence that makes spicy food spicy, will do the trick. (Then again, so will Bradley Cooper, amiright?)

Worcestershire sauce: While not scientifically proven, there is something about the flavor of meat that pings on the average human’s caveman DNA. You’ll have a sudden urge to carry someone off by the hair and drag your knuckles all over them.

Asparagus: Well, come on…just look at it. But it’s more than a suggestive accessory. Asparagus has the added benefit of being a good source of vitamin E, which contributes to the production of sex hormones.

You’ll never guess what has all these ingredients in one yummy package: Portland Bloody Mary Mix!

Happy Valentine’s Day, you sexy thang.